1 Year New: The Bad and the Ugly

If you want to question everything you've ever done, become your own boss.

Reaching my 1-year anniversary as a full-time freelance videographer has me thinking a lot about this past year. I shared some of the good things I love about it, but I need a whole post dedicated to all the hard lessons I've learned. Take a deep breath because here it all comes.

The Bad and the Ugly
I question my productiveness. I was used to having a distinct schedule in the lab based on the protocol I was following. 1 hour incubation here, 15 minute centrifugation there. Easy peasy. Now my brain hurts after digging through footage for an hour straight or searching for music that I deem worthy for a solid 6 hours only to come up empty-handed. I didn't know I was doing well with 2 hours of solid editing during the day until I talked with other "creatives", as I'm called now. The rest of the day is spent building my business, accounting, networking and getting lost in other people's work. This brings me to my next point.

I question my ability. Am I good enough to make it? Am I driven enough to get through the droughts and organized enough to hunker down during the floods? I'll spend hours watching other people's work and begin to wallow in my lack of talent and lack of "likes" and "followers". I rarely doubted myself in science. If it worked, it did. If not, the lab gnomes had messed it all up. Simple as that. Even if things are working now, it's so easy to feel they aren't because there's always someone else out there doing better, being noticed more, and who seems to have it all together.

I question my decision to leave a job with a salary and benefits. I once calculated that I'm making $10/hour as a videographer. Beyond charging $5,000 per wedding or filming 30 weddings a year, it's been very hard to even approach what I previously thought was a modest Research Associate's salary (which now seems like making bank in comparison). I know there are things I can change to fix that, and I'm working on it.

I question my integrity. This is the BIG one. I was scared that I wouldn't have enough income, so I filmed 20 weddings last year. I finished editing the last one this week. It's April, people. That's a ridiculous amount of time that has passed. I've written so many "I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get your film back to you" emails that it's embarrassing. Some of my clients asked if I had forgotten about them. It was quite the opposite. I've been haunted by the pile of work mounting and stories floating around in my head. I've made promises I didn't keep and it breaks my heart. I'm being brutally honest here so you hopefully learn from my mistakes.

So what does this all mean for the future?

I still love being my own boss and I can put on my big-girl pants and make the necessary calls when needed. I've come to terms with what a good day can be (2 hours of solid editing) and how often the bad days come around (85% of the time). I know better what work load I can handle. That is why I am only working with 10 couples this year and have grand ideas for personalizing each wedding film. I am setting deadlines and announcing them to my couples so I have to be held accountable to those deadlines.

That's the glossed over version of the hard lessons I've been learning. And is it worth it? Absolutely. I love learning, remember? Like all other creatives, I hold these thoughts by Ira Glass near and dear in the dark times. What gets you through? What makes it still worth it to you? I think it's that even though there are so many questions, the big answer is that I can create. And the things I create have the ability to move people in ways nothing else can.